Alright, fellow tape travelers, let's rewind to a time when sunscreen smelled like coconuts, hair was high, and teen comedies aimed squarely below the belt. Slide that worn cassette of Private Resort (1985) into the VCR, adjust the tracking just so, and prepare for a sun-drenched slice of glorious 80s silliness that feels both instantly familiar and oddly specific. This wasn't a blockbuster, maybe not even a top-shelf rental back in the day, but finding it nestled between bigger hits felt like uncovering a slightly forbidden, goofy treasure.
Checking In to Mayhem
The premise is thinner than cheap hotel towels: two horny teens, Jack (a baby-faced Johnny Depp!) and his slightly more seasoned buddy Ben (Rob Morrow), check into a swanky Miami resort with one goal – meeting girls. That's it. That's the plot. Standing in their way are a snooty, jewel-thief-targeting house detective named Reeves (Hector Elizondo) and the general chaos that ensues when hormones and hijinks collide under the Florida sun. Directed by George Bowers, who also gave us the similarly themed My Tutor (1983), Private Resort knows exactly what it is: a vehicle for slapstick, misunderstandings, and, yes, that quintessential 80s ingredient – gratuitous nudity. It’s part of that unofficial "Florida Spring Break Trilogy" alongside Spring Break and Revenge of the Nerds II, capturing that specific brand of sun, skin, and stupidity.
Depp Before Depp
Let's be honest, the main reason many folks might seek this out today is for an early glimpse of Johnny Depp. And it’s quite the glimpse! Before the scarves, the eccentricities, the global superstardom, here he is – young, conventionally handsome, and gamely playing the goofy sidekick role. You can see flashes of the charm, but it's fascinating to watch him navigate fairly standard teen comedy fare. Reportedly, Depp wasn't exactly thrilled with the film later in his career, which isn't surprising given its lowbrow ambitions, but watching him and Rob Morrow (pre-Northern Exposure) bounce off each other has a certain naive energy that's undeniably part of the film's time-capsule appeal. Their chemistry as two guys just trying (and mostly failing) to score feels authentically adolescent, even amidst the absurdity.
The Maestro and the Mayhem
While the leads are the focus, the secret weapon here is undoubtedly Hector Elizondo as The Maestro, the perpetually exasperated hotel detective. Elizondo elevates every scene he’s in, bringing a level of comedic timing and weary professionalism that almost feels out of place, yet absolutely essential. He’s the perfect foil to the boys' antics, a simmering cauldron of suspicion and annoyance. His pursuit of the slippery jewel thief Shirley (Dody Goodman) provides some of the film's genuinely funnier moments of physical comedy and mistaken identity. It’s the kind of solid character work you often found grounding even the silliest comedies of the era.
Sunshine State Shenanigans & Retro Quirks
Filmed largely at the now-demolished Diplomat Hotel in Hollywood, Florida, the movie looks like the 80s – the bright pastels, the questionable fashion, the sheer amount of visible chest hair. The humor is broad, relying heavily on situational gags, peeping tomfoolery, and characters ending up in embarrassing states of undress. It's undeniably dated in its attitudes, a relic of a time when the "teen sex comedy" genre often played fast and loose with consent and objectification. Watching it now requires adjusting your lens back to 1985, acknowledging the problematic elements while appreciating the sheer, unvarnished silliness for what it was.
Here’s a bit of trivia that always makes me chuckle: one of the film's writers, Ken Segall, would later become a major creative force in advertising... for Apple. Yes, the guy who helped craft the legendary "Think Different" campaign and named the iMac co-wrote this ode to teenage horniness. Talk about a career pivot! It just adds another layer to the delightful weirdness surrounding this film.
The Final Checkout
Private Resort is far from a cinematic masterpiece. The plot is negligible, the jokes are often juvenile, and its perspective is firmly planted in the Reagan-era locker room. Yet... there's an undeniable charm to its cheapness, its earnest commitment to goofy antics, and the snapshot it provides of future stars finding their footing. It's the kind of movie you'd catch late at night on cable or rent on a whim, maybe feeling slightly guilty afterward, but entertained nonetheless. It captures that specific, slightly fuzzy, low-budget VHS energy perfectly.
Rating: 4/10
Justification: The score reflects the film's technical and narrative shortcomings – it's undeniably flimsy and dated. However, the rating isn't rock bottom because of its nostalgic value, the surprisingly committed performance from Hector Elizondo, and the historical curiosity of seeing Johnny Depp in such an early, uncharacteristic role. It earns points for being an unpretentious time capsule of a specific, silly subgenre.
Final Comment: A quintessential piece of 80s resort raunch, Private Resort is like finding a faded postcard from a vacation you barely remember – slightly embarrassing, definitely dated, but guaranteed to spark a nostalgic smirk. Don't expect high art, just high hair and lowbrow laughs.