Okay, fellow tapeheads, let's rewind to a time when the comedy section of the video store held certain... curiosities. Flickering fluorescent lights, the smell of plastic cases and slightly worn carpet – and nestled amongst the broader comedies, you might find a tape box promising something a bit cheeky, a bit suggestive, something quintessentially British and undeniably of its time. That's exactly the vibe you get when the tracking lines finally settle on 1981's Desirable Teacher.
This isn't a blockbuster, folks. It's not even aiming for broad appeal. This is a relic from the tail-end of the British sex comedy boom, a genre that thrived on innuendo, farcical situations, and a healthy dose of bare skin, all served up with a distinctly low-budget charm. Finding this on VHS felt like uncovering a slightly naughty secret.
Lessons in Levity (and a Little Lust)
The plot, as you might expect, isn't exactly Chekhov. We find ourselves at the Hetherington House School, a co-ed boarding school where the arrival of a new, attractive French teacher, Madame Dubois (Jane Cardew), sends hormonal ripples through the student body and the slightly lecherous staff. Our main viewpoint character is often the affable but perpetually flustered Mr. Trubshawe (Peter Cleall, a familiar face from the Confessions series), who tries to maintain order while navigating his own awkward desires and the general chaos. Add in the mischievous antics of students like the bubbly Penny (Vicky Johnson) and a headmaster more concerned with his golf swing, and you have the ingredients for a classic slice of British seaside-postcard humour translated to the screen.
The comedy relies heavily on misunderstandings, double entendres (some clever, some landing with a thud), and visual gags often involving strategically placed objects or hurried attempts to hide compromising situations. It’s silly, predictable stuff, but there’s an odd comfort in its formula. You know exactly what kind of film you're watching within the first five minutes, and it delivers precisely that, no more, no less.
The Stanley A. Long Touch
Now, you can't talk about this era of British film without mentioning the director, Stanley A. Long. This man was an absolute workhorse in the low-budget British film industry, particularly known for his contributions to the sex comedy genre throughout the 70s and early 80s. Think films like Adventures of a Taxi Driver (1976) or Adventures of a Plumber's Mate (1978) – Long knew his audience and churned out these lightweight romps efficiently. Desirable Teacher fits right into his filmography. His direction is functional rather than flashy; the goal is to set up the gag and capture the reaction, often lingering perhaps a touch longer than necessary on certain shots, a hallmark of the genre aiming to give the audience its money's worth, visually speaking.
Finding specific "retro fun facts" for a film like this can be tough – they weren't exactly prestige pictures with massive press junkets! But understanding Long's prolific output is the context. These films were often shot quickly, on tight budgets (reports suggest many of his films came in well under £100,000, peanuts even then!), frequently using the same crews and sometimes recurring actors like Peter Cleall. They relied on familiar locations – often country houses that could double as schools, hotels, or health farms – giving them that specific, slightly threadbare but recognisably British look. The whole operation was about maximising screen value with minimal resources, a far cry from the effects-heavy blockbusters emerging elsewhere.
Charmingly Dated, Undeniably British
Watching Desirable Teacher today is like opening a time capsule. The fashion, the hairstyles, the very specific brand of slightly awkward Britishness – it’s all there. The "action," such as it is, isn't about explosions but about farcical chases down corridors, slamming doors, and near-miss encounters. There’s a certain innocence to it, despite the nudge-nudge, wink-wink subject matter. Compared to modern comedies, the pacing feels leisurely, almost quaint. The humour hasn't aged perfectly, let's be honest; some jokes rely on stereotypes that feel uncomfortable now, but it captures a specific moment in cultural attitudes.
The performances are exactly what the material requires. Jane Cardew provides the titular desirability with a certain detached amusement, Peter Cleall masters the art of the flustered double-take, and Vicky Johnson brings an infectious energy to her scenes. No one is aiming for an Oscar here; they're playing their part in a well-established comedic machine.
Did critics rave back in 1981? Absolutely not. These films were generally dismissed or ignored by the critical establishment but found their audience on home video and through late-night TV screenings. They were the kind of tapes you might rent when the big hits were already checked out, offering uncomplicated, slightly risqué entertainment.
VHS Heaven Rating: 4/10
Justification: Let's be clear: Desirable Teacher is no masterpiece. The humour is dated, the plot is thin, and its ambitions are decidedly modest. However, for fans of the specific, largely defunct genre of British sex comedy, or for those with a nostalgic fondness for any kind of cinematic oddity from the VHS era, it holds a certain peculiar charm. It’s a fascinating snapshot of low-budget filmmaking and cultural mores of the time. The 4 rating reflects its very niche appeal and technical/comedic limitations, balanced by its value as a historical artifact and its success within its own narrow parameters. It does exactly what it says on the tin, even if that tin is a bit rusty.
Final Rewind: It’s the kind of film that reminds you of rainy Saturday afternoons browsing shelves lined with questionable cover art – a fuzzy, slightly awkward, but undeniably real piece of low-budget cinema history, best enjoyed with lowered expectations and perhaps a knowing chuckle.