Alright, fellow tapeheads, let's rewind to a time when trading cards featuring snot-nosed, zit-popping, generally repulsive kids were somehow a national phenomenon. And naturally, because it was the 80s, someone decided this grotesque gallery absolutely needed the full Hollywood treatment. Pull up a beanbag chair, maybe crack open a Jolt Cola (if you dare), because we're popping in the infamous 1987 oddity, The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.
Finding this on the video store shelf back in the day felt like discovering forbidden contraband. The lurid cover, promising live-action versions of characters like Ali Gator, Greaser Greg, and Valerie Vomit, was both repellent and magnetic. You knew, knew, it was probably going to be terrible, but the sheer audacity demanded a rental. Did anyone actually ask for this movie? Probably not, but we got it anyway.
### A Face Only a Mother Could Tolerate (Maybe)
The plot, such as it is, revolves around young Dodger (Mackenzie Astin, son of John Astin of The Addams Family fame), a hopelessly bullied teenager working in an antique shop run by the eccentric Captain Manzini (Anthony Newley, a genuinely legendary singer and actor whose presence here remains one of cinema's great mysteries). One fateful day, Dodger accidentally unleashes the titular Kids from their cosmic garbage can prison. These aren't cuddly E.T. types; they're walking, talking embodiments of playground gross-out humour, brought to life via some truly nightmarish puppetry and costumes.
Let's talk about those "Kids." In an era before seamless CGI, bringing these characters to the screen meant actors sweltering inside heavy, largely immobile rubber suits. You have to give some credit to the practical effects team for trying, but the results are... unsettling. Their static faces, limited movement, and dubbed voices (often performed by uncredited voice actors, including Jim Cummings, later the voice of Winnie the Pooh and Tigger!) create an uncanny valley effect that’s arguably more disturbing than anything in a conventional horror flick. Watching Nat Nerd dribble snot or Valerie Vomit live up to her name feels less like comedy and more like a fever dream captured on film.
### So Bad It's... Something
Directed and co-written by Rod Amateau, a TV veteran known more for helming episodes of shows like The Dukes of Hazzard than for cinematic masterpieces, the film lurches between bizarre musical numbers (yes, Anthony Newley sings!), awkward attempts at heartwarming moments between Dodger and the Kids, and deeply misguided slapstick. There’s a subplot involving Dodger’s crush, Tangerine (Katie Barberi), and her bully boyfriend, Juice, that feels airlifted from a different, perhaps slightly less strange, teen movie.
One can only imagine the on-set atmosphere trying to wrangle performers in those cumbersome suits. Retro Fun Fact: The film was notoriously rushed into production to capitalize on the trading card craze and was made for a shoestring budget of around $1 million. It barely recouped its costs, grossing about $1.6 million, and was savaged by critics upon release – we're talking legendary levels of critical hatred, the kind that earns a film a permanent spot in the "Worst Movies Ever Made" conversation. Yet, there's a strange, compelling quality to its sheer wrongness. It’s a fascinating artifact of a time when a studio genuinely thought this concept could work as a live-action family film.
The film even attempts a bizarre anti-bullying message, with the Garbage Pail Kids eventually defending Dodger using their unique... talents. It culminates in a fashion show sequence that defies all rational explanation. Was it supposed to be funny? Satirical? A desperate attempt to pad the runtime? Who knows! But it’s undeniably memorable, for all the wrong reasons. Remember the scene where they try to sew clothes? The sheer clumsiness, dictated by the stiff costumes, turns potentially simple gags into baffling spectacles.
### Why Does This Exist? Why Do We Watch?
It’s easy to dunk on The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. It's poorly plotted, often grating, and visually nightmarish. The humour rarely lands, oscillating between gross and just plain weird. Yet... there's that undeniable VHS charm. It represents a specific, bizarre moment in pop culture history, captured forever on analogue tape. Watching it now feels like unearthing a time capsule filled with questionable decisions and off-brand nostalgia. It wasn't trying to be high art; it was trying (and failing spectacularly) to cash in on a fad, using the practical, tangible effects of the era. Those rubber suits, however flawed, have a physical presence that modern CGI abominations often lack.
It’s the kind of movie you might have stumbled upon late at night on cable, mouth slightly agape, wondering how such a thing ever got made. It’s a testament to the wild west days of home video, where seemingly anything could get a release.
Rating: 2/10
Justification: While technically incompetent on almost every level – script, acting (sorry, Mackenzie Astin!), direction, coherent tone – the sheer, unadulterated weirdness and the fascinating awfulness of the practical creature effects earn it a couple of points. It’s a historical curiosity, a benchmark for cinematic badness that’s almost endearing in its total commitment to a terrible idea.
Final Thought: The Garbage Pail Kids Movie is less a film and more a dare; a sticky, grimy, baffling relic from the bottom of the video store bargain bin that you watch not because it’s good, but because you almost can't believe it's real. Handle the tape with care... and maybe wash your hands afterwards.