Alright, pop that tape in, adjust the tracking if you have to, and settle in. Tonight on VHS Heaven, we’re diving headfirst into one of the most baffling, fascinating, and undeniably 80s cinematic curiosities you could ever hope to find gathering dust on a rental store shelf: 1984’s Rhinestone. Yes, the one where Rocky Balboa tries to become a country music sensation. You heard me.
The Wildest Bet in Tennessee
The premise alone feels like something cooked up after one too many Tab colas during a late-night brainstorming session. Country music superstar Jake Farris (Dolly Parton, radiating charm even in this vehicle) makes a high-stakes wager with her sleazy club-owner manager, Freddie (Ron Leibman). The bet? She can transform anyone off the street into a convincing country performer in just two weeks. Her chosen clay to mold? The loud-mouthed, aggressively New York cab driver, Nick Martinelli, played with bewildered conviction by none other than Sylvester Stallone. If Jake wins, Freddie tears up her contract. If she loses, well, let’s just say the consequences involve spending more time with Freddie than anyone should endure.
What follows is a culture-clash comedy that throws every imaginable fish-out-of-water trope at the screen, set against the backdrop of rural Tennessee and the glitz of (what was then) modern country music. Think Pygmalion meets Hee Haw, filtered through a distinctly mid-80s lens.
Sly Sings the Hits (Sort Of)
Let's address the elephant in the room, or rather, the Italian Stallion in the cowboy boots. Sylvester Stallone, riding high off the Rocky and Rambo franchises, attempting to croon country tunes like "Drinkin'stein" is... an experience. It's not good singing, not by any conventional measure. But honestly, is it supposed to be? The film hinges on the absurdity of this transformation, and Stallone throws himself into it with a perplexing level of commitment. His physical comedy sometimes lands, his attempts at vulnerability are occasionally glimpsed, but the musical numbers are where the film achieves peak weirdness.
Here's a Retro Fun Fact for you: Stallone actually co-wrote the screenplay alongside Phil Alden Robinson (who would later give us the sublime Field of Dreams (1989) – talk about range!). Apparently, Stallone had significant creative input and reportedly clashed with director Bob Clark. Clark, interestingly, was coming off the massive success of Porky's (1981) and the beloved classic A Christmas Story (1983). How he ended up helming this particular project remains one of Hollywood's charming little mysteries. Stallone allegedly later expressed deep regret over the film, famously quipping he wished he could have played the lead in Beverly Hills Cop (1984), a role he turned down (along with Romancing the Stone (1984)) potentially due to his commitment here. Imagine that alternate timeline!
Dolly Shines Bright
Through it all, Dolly Parton is the film's saving grace. She's luminous, effortlessly charismatic, and her genuine musical talent provides a stark, sometimes jarring contrast to Stallone's efforts. She penned several original songs for the soundtrack, and numbers like "Tennessee Homesick Blues" became actual hits. Parton brings a warmth and believability to Jake that almost makes you buy into the ludicrous premise. Almost. Her chemistry with Stallone isn't exactly electric romance, but there's an odd sort of buddy-comedy vibe that occasionally flickers. A special mention must go to the wonderful Richard Farnsworth as Jake's kindly father figure/former manager, Noah. He brings a quiet dignity and gentle humor that feels like a welcome anchor amidst the surrounding chaos.
A Certified 80s Artifact
Watching Rhinestone today is like unearthing a time capsule. The fashion, the hairstyles, the earnest (if misguided) belief that this star pairing could work – it’s pure, unadulterated 1984. The film cost a hefty $28 million (that's like, $80 million today!) and sadly, didn't recoup its budget, pulling in just over $21 million at the box office. Critics were savage, and the film became infamous, sweeping the Golden Raspberry Awards.
But does that mean it's unwatchable? Absolutely not. There's a certain train wreck fascination here, a "so-bad-it's-kinda-fascinating" quality that cult movie fans appreciate. It’s not boring, I’ll give it that. The sheer audacity of the project, the commitment of the stars (misguided or not), and Dolly Parton’s undeniable star power make it a memorable oddity. You might laugh at it more than with it, but you’ll likely remember seeing it. I recall finding this on the shelf at the local video store, the cover art alone promising something… unique. It certainly delivered on that front.
VHS Heaven Rating: 3/10
Let’s be honest, Rhinestone is objectively not a good film. The plot is flimsy, the comedy often misses, and Stallone’s musical numbers are legendary for the wrong reasons. However, Dolly Parton is fantastic, Richard Farnsworth adds class, and the sheer WTF-factor gives it a unique place in 80s movie history. It earns a few points for sheer audacity, Parton's talent, and its status as a fascinatingly flawed artifact. It's the kind of movie you rent knowing exactly what you're getting into – a head-scratching, occasionally hilarious misfire powered by star wattage and baffling decisions.
Final Thought: Proof that even mountains of charisma and star power couldn't always turn cinematic lead into country gold, but boy, was it something to witness on a fuzzy CRT screen back in the day.