Alright, fellow tapeheads, let's rewind to a time when neon spandex wasn't just for aerobics instructors, and the biggest star in professional wrestling decided to body slam Hollywood. Crack open a Jolt Cola, settle into that worn spot on the couch, because tonight on VHS Heaven, we're diving headfirst into the glorious, baffling, and utterly unforgettable spectacle that is 1989’s No Holds Barred.
This wasn't just any action movie awkwardly stuffed onto a rental shelf between Die Hard and Lethal Weapon. Oh no. This was the Hulk Hogan movie, financed by Vince McMahon’s World Wrestling Federation itself (WWF, now WWE) as a star vehicle for the Hulkster. You could practically smell the pyro and testosterone emanating from the clamshell case. I distinctly remember grabbing this tape, the iconic image of Hogan staring down… well, something fierce… promising absolute mayhem. And boy, did it deliver mayhem, just maybe not quite the kind we expected.
### Welcome to the Danger Zone (of Corporate Greed)
The plot, bless its heart, is pure 80s wrestling storyline logic applied to cinema. Hogan plays Rip Thomas, the WWF World Heavyweight Champion, a wholesome, orphanage-loving hero whose TV ratings are through the roof. This naturally attracts the attention of the nefarious Mr. Brell (Kurt Fuller), the perpetually sweating, scenery-chewing head of the rival World Television Network (WTN). Brell wants Rip on his network, and he’ll stop at nothing – bribery, corporate espionage via the ambitious Samantha Moore (Joan Severance), even kidnapping – to get him. When Rip refuses, Brell concocts his own violent fighting show, "Battle of the Tough Guys," headlined by the monstrous, unibrowed, ex-convict Zeus (Tiny Lister).
Fuller’s performance as Brell is genuinely one of the film's twisted highlights. He dives into the role with such unrestrained, cartoonish villainy that it's impossible not to enjoy watching him unravel. Every sneer, every bead of sweat, every shrieked command is pure gold. He’s the kind of bad guy you’d see get his comeuppance on Saturday morning television, dialed up to an R-rating (mostly for language and some surprisingly mean-spirited violence).
### Hulkin' Up on the Silver Screen
And then there's the Hulkster himself. Let's be honest, Hulk Hogan wasn't hired for his nuanced dramatic range. He is Rip Thomas – the embodiment of "say your prayers and eat your vitamins." His acting often feels like he's cutting a promo directly into the camera, full of intense stares, gritted teeth, and declarations about what he's gonna do to the bad guys. It’s stiff, sure, but it’s also weirdly endearing in its earnestness. This was Hogan at the peak of Hulkamania, a genuine cultural phenomenon, and seeing that larger-than-life persona crammed into a conventional movie structure is fascinating in itself. The film reportedly cost around $8 million, largely funded by the WWF, and managed to pull in just over $16 million – not a blockbuster, but enough to ensure its legendary status on home video.
### When Practical Effects Meant Power Slams
Now, let’s talk action. No Holds Barred exists in that sweet spot before CGI smoothed everything over. The fights here are less balletic martial arts and more like watching two refrigerators collide. It’s pure, unadulterated power moves and stiff-looking punches. Remember how utterly brutal those wrestling scenes felt back then? The sound design certainly helped, with every slam echoing like a thunderclap through your TV speakers. The "Tough Guy" competitions are presented as these underground, almost gladiatorial contests in dingy bars and warehouses, adding a layer of grime that feels authentically late-80s.
The climax, the inevitable showdown between Rip and Zeus, is pure wrestling pay-per-view distilled onto film. It’s less a fight and more a series of power spots and dramatic comebacks. And speaking of Zeus, here’s a killer Retro Fun Fact: the character, played with menacing silence by the late, great Tiny Lister (forever Deebo from Friday (1995) to many), actually crossed over into real-life WWF programming! Following the movie's release, Zeus debuted in the WWF specifically to feud with Hogan, claiming he was the real star of the film. It was a bizarre, meta storyline blurring fiction and reality in a way only pro wrestling could pull off.
Beyond the wrestling, there are moments of classic 80s action absurdity. There's a scene involving Rip single-handedly demolishing a limousine with his bare hands that has to be seen to be believed. It’s utterly ridiculous, completely over-the-top, and performed with the kind of practical destructive glee we just don't see much anymore. Was it realistic? Heavens, no. Was it awesome to watch on a fuzzy VHS copy late at night? Absolutely.
### The Verdict: Cheesy, Clunky, Kinda Classic
Directed by Thomas J. Wright, a veteran of countless TV shows known for solid, workmanlike direction (he did plenty of The X-Files and Millennium episodes), No Holds Barred knows exactly what it is: a vehicle for its star and a cinematic extension of the WWF brand. It’s not subtle, it’s not sophisticated, and the attempts at romance between Rip and Samantha often land with a comical thud. The dialogue ranges from earnest platitudes to unintentional hilarity ("What's that smell?" / "Doo-doo!").
Yet, there's an undeniable charm here. It's a perfect time capsule of late-80s pop culture, wrestling mania, and action movie excess. It's a film made with baffling sincerity, featuring a performance by Kurt Fuller that deserves some kind of cult movie award, and action scenes that prioritize raw impact over polished choreography. It might have been critically mauled upon release, but for wrestling fans and lovers of glorious cinematic cheese, it became a beloved fixture of the video store era.
VHS Heaven Rating: 6/10
Justification: While objectively not a "great" film in the traditional sense (acting is stiff, plot is ludicrous, dialogue is often laughable), No Holds Barred scores points for its sheer audacity, Kurt Fuller's unforgettable villainy, its status as a unique pop culture artifact, and its embrace of wonderfully dated, practical action mayhem. It delivers exactly the kind of over-the-top spectacle promised by its premise and star, making it a genuinely entertaining watch, especially with the right mindset (and maybe a few friends).
Final Thought: Forget slick wire-fu or CGI explosions; sometimes you just need to see the Hulkster rip a limo apart with his bare hands to remember what pure, unadulterated, slightly dopey 80s action felt like. Whatcha gonna do when No Holds Barred runs wild on you?!