Alright, settle in, pop that tape in the VCR (mind the tracking!), and let's talk about a quintessential slice of 80s fantasy cheese: 1985's Red Sonja. You know the one – that glorious cover art promising epic battles, a fierce warrior woman, and, of course, Arnold Schwarzenegger looking impossibly huge with a sword. Finding this gem on the shelf back in the day felt like unearthing barbarian gold, even if the movie itself… well, let’s just say it’s a memorable ride.
### A Flame-Haired Fury is Born
Forget complex origin stories. Red Sonja gets straight to the point with the kind of brutal efficiency only 80s fantasy could muster. After her family is slaughtered and she’s assaulted by soldiers serving the tyrannical Queen Gedren (Sandahl Bergman, ironically stepping into villainy after playing the heroic Valeria in Conan the Barbarian), the warrior Sonja (Brigitte Nielsen in her screen debut) is granted mystical strength and vows revenge. Her quest intertwines with stopping Gedren from using a world-destroying talisman – a glowing green orb that looks suspiciously like a leftover prop from a sci-fi B-movie. It's classic sword-and-sorcery fare, thin on plot but thick on atmosphere (and shoulder pads).
Brigitte Nielsen certainly looked the part. Towering, athletic, with that iconic fiery red hair, she embodied the comic book heroine visually. And credit where it's due, Nielsen reportedly threw herself into the role, performing many of her own stunts. You can see the effort in the sword fights – they might not be the most elegantly choreographed sequences ever filmed, but there's a tangible sense of effort and physicality. She wields that sword with genuine force, even if her line delivery sometimes feels as stiff as her leather costume. It was a heck of a way to launch a career, immediately positioned as a female action lead in a genre dominated by muscle-bound men.
### Hey, Isn't That Conan? (Spoiler: No)
Of course, the biggest draw for many renting this tape was Arnold Schwarzenegger. Fresh off The Terminator (1984) and having already defined the genre with Conan the Barbarian (1982), his presence screams "epic." But here's the rub: he's not playing Conan. Due to rights issues tangled up with producer Dino De Laurentiis (who produced both Conan films and this one), Arnold appears as Lord Kalidor, a mysterious warrior who conveniently pops up whenever Sonja needs saving or some vaguely flirtatious banter.
A fun retro fact: Arnold was apparently only contracted for a brief cameo, but his role was significantly expanded during production, likely to capitalize on his star power. Does it help the movie? Well, it certainly puts Arnold on the poster! His charisma is undeniable, even if Kalidor feels less like a character and more like... well, Arnold Schwarzenegger hanging out in ancient times. He seems vaguely amused by the whole affair, delivering lines like "I know you're a brave girl, but danger is my trade" with that familiar Austrian oakiness.
### Practical Magic and Italian Landscapes
Directed by veteran Richard Fleischer, who had previously helmed Conan the Destroyer (1984) and classics like 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954), Red Sonja boasts a certain old-school charm in its production. Forget sleek CGI; this is the era of practical effects, miniatures, and matte paintings. The destruction wrought by the talisman, Gedren's imposing fortress, the weird mechanical sea monster thing guarding the castle – it all has that tangible, handcrafted feel. Does it always look convincing? Absolutely not. But there’s an artistry to it, a physicality that modern blockbusters often lack. Remember how intense those sword-on-sword clashes felt, sparks literally flying from the steel? That’s real metal hitting metal, performed by stunt people who probably collected a fair share of bruises.
Adding to the atmosphere are the stunning shooting locations in the Abruzzo region of Italy. Those rugged mountains and ancient-looking landscapes provide a genuinely epic backdrop that elevates the film beyond a simple soundstage production. You can almost feel the wind whipping across those plains. Complementing the visuals is a score by the legendary Ennio Morricone. While perhaps not as iconic as Basil Poledouris's thunderous themes for Conan the Barbarian, Morricone's score brings its own unique, slightly more whimsical but still dramatic flavour to the adventure.
### That 80s Fantasy Glow
Let's be honest, Red Sonja wasn't exactly a critical darling or a box office smash. It reportedly cost nearly $18 million (a hefty sum back then!) and barely made back $7 million in the US. Ouch. Arnold himself has famously called it one of his worst films. Yet, like so many movies from this era, it found a second life on VHS and cable television, becoming a beloved piece of nostalgic cheese for many.
Why? Because it commits. It leans into the pulpy fantasy tropes with gusto. You've got questionable dialogue ("No man may have me, unless he's beaten me in a fair fight!"), over-the-top villains chewing the scenery (Bergman is clearly having a blast as the evil Queen), bizarre side characters like the young Prince Tarn (Ernie Reyes Jr. showing off some early martial arts moves) and his loyal man-servant Falkon, and costumes that scream "80s interpretation of ancient fantasy." It's earnest in its silliness, which is part of its enduring charm. Even the script, co-written by George MacDonald Fraser (known for the brilliant Flashman novels and adapting Octopussy), can't quite escape the B-movie gravity, but you can occasionally sense a knowing wink.
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VHS Heaven Rating: 6/10
Justification: Red Sonja is undeniably flawed – the plot is thin, the dialogue often clunky, and Arnold feels shoehorned in. However, Nielsen's imposing presence, the earnest commitment to 80s fantasy tropes, the tangible practical effects and stunt work, the stunning Italian locations, and Morricone's score give it significant nostalgic value. It bombed hard on release, but its second life on VHS proves its pulpy appeal. It's not high art, but it's a fun, visually distinct artifact of its time, elevated slightly by its ambition and star power, however awkwardly deployed.
Final Take: A glorious, clunky, sword-swinging relic from the days when fantasy epics felt handcrafted, slightly absurd, and perfect for a Friday night rental with a bowl of popcorn. Just don't expect Conan, and you'll find plenty to enjoy in its earnest, mulleted majesty.