Alright, fellow tapeheads, gather 'round. Remember that feeling? Scanning the packed shelves of the video store, fluorescent lights buzzing overhead, maybe the smell of popcorn lingering from the counter. You spot a box, bright and promising, featuring two of the absolute biggest names on the planet circa 1986. It promises exotic adventure, romance, maybe a few laughs. You grab the tape, the plastic clamshell cool in your hand. That movie, for many of us, was Shanghai Surprise. The anticipation was electric. The result? Well, let's just say it's one of those tapes that might have gotten dusty at the back of the shelf, but holds a unique, almost mythical status for entirely different reasons.
### When Hollywood Royalty Met Shanghai... Sort Of
The premise itself sounds like classic Saturday matinee fare: Gloria Tatlock (Madonna), a prim missionary nurse in 1930s Shanghai, needs to track down a lost stash of opium – "Faraday's Flowers" – to ease the suffering of her patients. She enlists the help of Glendon Wasey (Sean Penn), a cynical, down-on-his-luck fortune hunter peddling glow-in-the-dark neckties. Cue exotic locales, nefarious villains, and burgeoning romance against a backdrop of pre-war intrigue. What could possibly go wrong?
On paper, pairing the freshly married, white-hot celebrity couple of Madonna and Sean Penn must have seemed like printing money. She was the undisputed Queen of Pop, dominating charts and MTV; he was already establishing himself as one of the most intense actors of his generation. Their every move was tabloid fodder. Bringing them together on screen, bankrolled by George Harrison's HandMade Films (yes, that George Harrison – the quiet Beatle even pops up in a nightclub singer cameo!), felt like an event. Harrison reportedly hoped Madonna could be moulded into a new Marilyn Monroe. A fascinating "what if," considering the path her career actually took.
### Adventure Interrupted
Directed by Jim Goddard, primarily known for excellent British television like Reilly, Ace of Spies, the film tries to capture that globe-trotting adventure spirit popularised by Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) – and hey, they even cast Belloq himself, the great Paul Freeman, as the villainous opium kingpin Walter Faraday! You can see the ambition in the attempts at period detail, filmed partly on location in Macau and Hong Kong (standing in for Shanghai) alongside UK studio work. There are rickshaw chases, seedy docks, and opulent dens. But the energy just... fizzles.
The core issue, famously, lies in the script (credited to John Kohn and Robert Bentley, from Tony Kenrick's novel) and the palpable lack of on-screen chemistry between the leads. Despite being married in real life, Penn and Madonna generate almost zero romantic sparks. Penn seems uncomfortable, almost lost, channeling a sort of low-energy Bogart that never quite lands. Madonna, while certainly looking the part, struggles to convincingly portray the earnest yet resourceful missionary; her line delivery often feels stilted, lacking the natural charisma she projected so effortlessly in her music videos. It’s a strange viewing experience, watching two people known for their fiery personalities appear so disconnected on screen.
The production itself was notoriously troubled. The intense media scrutiny surrounding the star couple led to numerous clashes, particularly involving Penn and the paparazzi. This off-screen drama seemed to bleed onto the set, contributing to an atmosphere that likely didn't help the final product. HandMade Films sunk a hefty $17 million into the production – a massive gamble for the independent company – only to see it recoup a disastrous $2.3 million at the US box office. Adjusted for inflation, that's like burning nearly $45 million today on a film that barely made back $6 million. Ouch.
### So Bad It's... Historically Interesting?
Is Shanghai Surprise a "good" movie in the traditional sense? Absolutely not. The plot meanders, the attempts at screwball comedy fall flat, and the central romance is a damp squib. The action sequences, such as they are, lack any real punch or inventiveness, feeling more like obligatory set pieces than genuinely thrilling moments. There are no jaw-dropping practical stunts here that make you rewind the tape in disbelief.
But… and there’s a but… it’s strangely compelling as a time capsule. It’s a fascinating artefact of 80s celebrity culture colliding head-on with filmmaking ambition, resulting in a beautiful-looking misfire. Seeing these two global megastars, at that exact moment in their lives, locked into this ill-fated project backed by a Beatle? There’s a unique curiosity factor that’s hard to deny. It’s less an enjoyable adventure film and more a historical document of a cinematic Hindenburg. You watch it wondering how so many talented people could produce something so inert. It swept the Razzies that year, and frankly, it's hard to argue with the voters.
### The Verdict
Shanghai Surprise isn't the rollicking adventure promised on the VHS box. It's not a hidden gem waiting to be rediscovered for its overlooked qualities. It’s clumsy, awkward, and fundamentally miscast at its core. Yet, for dedicated fans of 80s pop culture, film history buffs, or followers of the principal players, it offers a bizarrely watchable experience – a glossy, expensive train wreck you can’t quite look away from.
Rating: 3/10
Justification: The score reflects the film's fundamental failures in script, performance chemistry, and overall execution. It avoids a lower score purely due to the high production values for the era, the presence of Paul Freeman, and its undeniable status as a fascinatingly disastrous piece of 80s cinematic history fuelled by off-screen notoriety.
Final Thought: Some VHS tapes transported you to thrilling worlds; Shanghai Surprise mostly transports you to a place of bewildered head-scratching, making it the ultimate cinematic curiosity from an era when star power alone couldn't guarantee movie magic. Definitely one for the "How did this get made?" shelf.